Slipping away

When I walk the dusty road and inhale the heavy smell of summer wild flowers and dirt and I hear the love songs of robins- I think of you. I see your face. So young, so hopeful. So precious to me my eyes sting with love. It's not the smells and the unadulterated scenery specifically- it's the feeling of it all. This refreshment. These wide open spaces in my heart. The deep breaths of my soul. That is you. That was you. You could make my heart feel things no one else could. You were joyful life. You were innocence bottled up and prized.
It was a slow, agonizing, heart-wrenching, grief-heavy path to your destruction. The fields have been burned down to the dry and brittle dirt. The birds have flown off, in search of greener sanctuary. The wind no longer caresses this land. There is death in these abandoned trees, there is sickness in the water.
I bring myself, I drag myself to the edge of you. I break open my heart and pour myself out, tears and life and blood and hope and love always more love. And it barely reaches the ground before its burned up and evaporated into the searing blood-red sky. I scream, I beg, I cry, I pray, I lie. All for you. All to save you. Save you from the self-fulfilling prophecy you spoke over your own life.
Do i walk away? My feet never could physically walk away. But my heart, this tiny flame of hope that refuses to be extinguished by the lies you throw and the selfishness that you cannot see through- my heart wants to snuff that tiny flame out and spit on it and grind it into the ground. I hate you. I hate what you do to yourself. I hate what you can't see you're doing to us. I hate what you're doing to her. I want to push away from the beach of your life- it's not a very big beach, and the tide is coming in. Do I drop my anchor and sit with you and take the beatings? Do I stare into your eyes and never look away, begging with every inch of who you know me as, please, please, PLEASE, for the love of God, see how much I love you. See how much we all love you. Love yourself even half as much and come back to us.
I look into the future and it's not as bright without you. The field has become a sinkhole. A rolling, rotting mass of death. But i can't leave. I can't leave you. Even your shadow. I sit vigil, hating you, not being able to leave you. 


Let go...

I still have to live normal. Normal laugh. Normal routines. Day in day out.
I act like the moon didn't lose ten shades of light and the stars didn't start shining ten times brighter. 
I feel an ocean inside, fish and reef and current, and I am an island. Alone. 
My eyes still have to hold joy, and in the background there runs the ever playing reel of you. 
My voice carries words around and around the world, lost in jungle.mountain.plain.forest.
This ache. This pain. This sharpness. This drifting. This mess.
Alone. Completely alone. 
Questions. No answers. No exclamation points. No periods. Only the endlessness of question after frustrating question. 
The bonfire burns, higher to the night sky, illuminating my path, searing my face, warming my clenched fingers. 
Breath. Let go. Breath. Let go. Feel and feel and let go. 


This post contains awesome words and some mediocre pictures of our new house!

So, we've moved! I am currently sitting on a couch in the very first house we’ve ever lived in since being married! This is surreal, people. I was just telling a friend yesterday that it’s so weird to feel like a whole individual. I never realized that living in an apartment made me feel like an actual ice cube, in an ice tray (don’t judge, that was the first thing that came to mind and I’m tired.) Someone above me, beside me, in the exact same apartment, exact same porch, so many people. Now I feel like…a family in a house. It’s so weird. Good, but it really feels like an alternate reality. See? I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it.

I honestly cannot believe I have time to be writing right now. My Joey, who just turned 6 months old, has been working on some teeth for, oh, I’d say, 6 months now. I feel an actual bump now, so that’s good progress. But he’s been such mean kid. A serious bully. And I’m afraid if I just keep feeding him because he’s sad and just wants to eat, his baby boobies will just get out of control. This kid is a chunk. So I hold him every second of every day and it’s really not fair that my arms look none the better for it. 
Do not let that grin fool you. He is a crazy bully baby.
I've been learning to build a fire in a fireplace, since we have one, and my first attempt was…let’s just say Jeremiah now tells everyone who walks in the door that “Mommy has now learned to make a REAL fire!” It’s this delicate balance of the right amount of oxygen and fuel, and you can’t smother it and you have to make sure you sweet talk it just the right way or it’ll get mad and turn cold. That is how Joey has been! It’s this delicate balance of formula and all of my attention, and if one of those is not there, he’s losing his mind and my other boys are like, “MOMMY! Joey’s crying again! Please! We can’t hear our movie!” Which, let’s be honest, them watching movies is the only time I’m NOT chasing someone up and down these wretched gorgeous stairs, or yelling pleading asking them to stop fighting for the love of all things holy

This is actual, rare footage of my boys not fighting..
or is Judah about to wack Miah with that basket of books?

Trevor’s job is going well. He absolutely loves it. It’s a pipeline job, which means sales take 4-6 weeks to fall in, so the first 2 months we were like, OK GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WE HAVE NO MONEY! We made this switch because 1- we were tired of living in the cycle of {get payed, pay bills, have a tiny bit left over for gas, run out of money, OOPS can’t save anything! get payed, pay bills etc.} and we knew that his position in Wells Fargo was NOT utilizing Trevor’s awesomeness. But I had to tell him that, because he really had no idea how awesome he is, and the gifts God has given him, and how those were NOT being used at Wells Fargo (to their full potential.) And when we both started talking about all these things randomly one night, 
and realized God had given us both the same vision and thoughts, we knew He was up to something. He had this new job 2 weeks later.

The transition has been rough, but it’s been SO incredible guys! We've reevaluated our priorities, and made the decision to fully trust God with our finances. FULLY. When we have no food, or enough money to pay our bills, we don’t turn to our credit cards, which are maxed out anyways (just being honest), but that’s not the point. We don’t open a new one, or whatever. It’s been a LONG time coming, this decision to really and fully just lay our financial fears and struggles at the feet of Jesus, and trust HIM to be our provider. For 5 years we've been so afraid to let go of control of finances. After brain surgery, we struggled so much. I was actually tempted to steal toilet paper from a business once. Isn't that so sad? And Trevor had to use his 1 free drink at Starbucks when he worked there, to bring milk home for us some days. We have come SO far, and it’s only by God's amazing grace!

Not sure why my kids look like creepy zombies in this picture....

I love seeing how He’s going to meet a need, because He’s so creative, and it NEVER looks like how I’d picture (someone coming up to me and saying, “God told me to give you 1 million dollars!) And we've truly committed to tithing a part of EVERY single money that comes in. And I can actually do it with joy now, even though we don’t have a lot. It’s so weird. I don’t say this to sound all holy, because we haven’t been making good choices AT ALL with money, and this is a new thing, a very new thing, and it’s hard. But guys, the closeness we feel to God’s heart, by following His leading and His commands, it’s just so freeing. We have this peace, this overwhelming assurance that no matter what happens, with this job, this house, our cars, our kids, each other, we will be okay because we are God’s, and God takes care of His children.

So that’s life lately. A lot of tears and gritting our teeth and praising God and walking up and down stairs and screaming babies and love and I wouldn't change any part of it at all. Just like a fire can burn you and cause damage if you don’t handle it the right way, it can also be gorgeous and provide warmth and that incredible feeling of coziness. I’m not sure how that ties in with everything I've just talked about, but take from it what you may, and know that I am really enjoying my new fireplace. 

We'll pretend this is what my dining room looks like right now...
This one's for you Dave.
I had to text him and tell him to send me a crazy pic of himself,
because I don't have any of him in the new house,
and this is a new house only post. Isn't he a hottie? ow ow!

PS- When we get around to it, which might be next Spring, we'll take one of those fun new house pictures with all of us in front of our new house. I've never been good at taking fun milestone pictures. it's part of my rebellious tendencies.

Things I am thankful for (because I never want this blog post to end and I need a good dose of perspective):
healthy children
a husband who loves me so well
stairs that help me feel alive
leaves to play in
my baby’s smile
friends, so many friends
sunshine streaming
Netflix and Amazon Prime Movies ftw
provider God
not taking myself too seriously