Oh come, let us worship and bow down;
Let us kneel before the LORD our Maker.
For He is our God,
And we are the people of His pasture,
And the sheep of His hand.
Today marks 1 year since we found out Trevor had a brain tumor. Surprisingly, I am filled with peace. Earlier this morning I felt God's voice calling out to me, to spend time in His presence, at His feet. I knelt and wept at the beauty of my Lord. His awesome power. His tenderness. His supremacy. I forgot all pain, all worry, all fear. His presence alone was enough to draw me to my knees, on my face before the only One who is worthy of such worship. And something miraculous happened my friends...something so beautiful.
My heart has been divided. I weep for the time lost, when I could have been giving the Lord my whole heart. This morning he showed me. He tenderly drew me into His arms and showed me that I was desperately clinging to Trevor and living in fear every day for his life. If he died, I would die. And I realized I was bearing the huge responsibility of his life. It's impossible to do. He is human. He is fragile and he will die one day. I cannot put the burden of immortality on him. I have to be willing to let him go and be okay with it. Oh how I wept! How much I desired to hold my love to me and never let go! To keep him 'safe' in my heart and do everything in my power and beyond to make sure he was alright.
But God wanted to be God. He wanted me to trust...trust Him that He loves Trevor, that He is watching over Him and guarding Him. That no matter what happens, I will be safely tucked away under the wings of the Almighty. It was time to let Trevor go. To release him and his life. This may not make sense to most of you, and that's okay. It was a precious time between my Father and I.
This doesn't mean I won't have moments of worry, wondering if Trevor will be here 15 years down the road. But I can quickly remember that is not my burden to bear. I can in no way add days to Trevor's life by worrying over him. I can love him with a free heart, trusting God to take care of us no matter what. I can respect him and serve him joyfully as his wife. I can soak up every second, never taking any moment for granted. That way, whether he lives another 5 years or 89...we will have lived every moment to its fullest, and the memories will be rich.
And I realized something else. Why would I want a life filled with nothing but easy times? Are not the hard, gut wrenching, sorrowful times the ones where we feel the very closest to our Abba? I complain about how my life has been nothing but heartache and loss, but these, my friends, are blessings! I would not know my Jesus the way I do without these storms. Every person gone, every trial walked through, every hit taken, draws me to my knees seeking His face. That is where I am meant to be. That is where I want to be. I do not wish to be taken out of the darkness, but pray to be guided by His light. "More rain, Jesus..." that was my prayer as a Junior in High School, feeling then for a moment this revelation too.
Life is so fleeting my friends...please, do not waste it worrying over things you have no control over. Relax in the Father's arms, knowing it is enough to love and be loved by Him. Do not waste precious time arguing with those closest to you, do not waste precious time in fear over whether or not your loved ones will still be there tomorrow. They are here today, so soak up every moment. Let go of wrongs. Kiss them. Laugh. Dance with them! Every day touches eternity. Do not make the mistake of thinking every second doesn't count. For every second surely counts.