"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us."

I'm pretty sure I just endured one of the hardest weekends of my life. Looking back on it, it's easy to see God's hand upon all that happened, but in the midst of it, I was somewhat lost. 

I posted earlier that I was in counseling. I have been for about two weeks now. It's quite amazing how God knows just what you need at just the right time with just the right person to help guide you.

 These past few weeks have been hard. They have been emotional. They have been refining. 

And this past weekend was definitely a test. A hard one. For me, it fits under the category of a 12th grade American History exam. Brutal. 

I have become aware that I currently believe a lot of lies. One of them is that I am unaccepted and an outcast, and that no one wants to be my friend.

I was so excited to go on this Ladies Retreat last weekend. For months I've been giddy with joy at the thought of one final hoorah before baby #2 comes and my life is thrown into chaos (or a crazier kind of chaos than it is in now.) Ask my husband. When childcare fell through and I wasn't going to be able to go, I was devastated. He moved river and mountain to try to find someone to watch our 1 year old. And he did. :) 

So it may surprise you that after only an hour of being there, I was crying in the bathroom on the phone with my husband wanting to go home. I was actually having an anxiety attack (that's never happened to me before.) 

Satan is really good at knowing your fears and weaknesses, and playing on those when God is doing a great work in your life. I've been healing and uncovering lies and really moving forward in my walk with Him lately. 

And then I go on this retreat.

Since being dropped off at the Church where everyone was meeting, I felt myself slowly closing in on myself. There were a lot of women there who had "loud personalities" and I definitely do not. It's really easy for me to get lost in a crowd. By the time we got to the cabin, I was convinced I shouldn't have come and that no one really wanted me there. I was the odd one out and should just go home. 

Plus, it was the very first time I had been away from Trevor since his brain surgery for any long amount of time. I was freaking out. Thus the anxiety attack.

I was groaning at myself in the bathroom, because I remember thinking, "I don't want to be that person! I don't want to be broken! Why can't I just pull it together?" My husband was trying to reassure me that everything was okay and that I should just go up there and try to talk to someone. I was hearing nothing. All I could think about was how much I missed him and how completely rejected I was feeling. 

After talking to one of the leaders for a while outside, I decided to stay. I shared my brain surgery story with the other women during the evening meeting, and I felt a lot better about getting that out in the open. I didn't, however, share about my feelings of rejection or my thoughts about being an outcast.

That night sleeping was horrible. I slept for maybe 5 hours and woke up every 30 minutes. The next day was even worse. I could not shake the overwhelming feeling that no one cared about me. I was literally heartbroken as I lay in bed for a nap, crying myself to sleep. It came to a head that afternoon, and I called Trevor and told him to come get me. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know why I came and I believed I wasn't supposed to be there. He told me to go upstairs and sit with the women and give it one more hour. If I still feel the same way he would come get me. I walked upstairs and one of the leaders started talking to me and two others joined and soon we were having a deep discussion about things. I knew God wanted me to stay, and that I was running away out of fear. I texted Trevor that I was staying. 

An hour later I got the opportunity to share my testimony, and for hours afterwards woman after woman got to share her story with the group. It was a time of vulnerability and bonding, and I praise God I stayed. I opened up and realized, people want me here. I'm part of this group. These women are potential friends. I'm not an outcast.

I had been duped by the father of lies! 

That second night I had a nightmare and woke up at 4am scared out of my mind. I stayed up and conquered the fear with prayer and scripture, and wrote each lady a hand written note of thankfulness for this weekend. I fought Satan with the armor of God tightly in place, and didn't let him gain any more ground. He had already gained so much that weekend. 

Looking back on it, it's amazing to see how badly satan wanted me to go home, but also how much God wanted me there to conquer my fears and realize the Truth about myself.

I now know, after this weekend, that I am part of the body of Christ and I am not alone. 


  1. You surely are not! We are not alone because we have God and because we also have others around us who are apart of His family as well. There is always someone who wants to be there. I wish we lived closer...I'd be there.

    I love you Marybeth!

  2. Thanks Kassie...That means a lot to me! :)


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