A fight

Yesterday I didn't want to get out of bed.
My husband quietly slipped away as the baby in the next room cried to be let out of his crib; I pulled the covers over my head.
As noises of breakfast and silliness could be heard in the kitchen, my mind was full of fog and darkness.


Was it the lack of caffeine I chose to fast so our car would be sold?


Was it the nightmares that keep coming back, even though I pray and renounce and speak Your words out loud?


Was it the fact that he was leaving for school in an hour, and I couldn't find the strength to do it all, alone?


I realized something as I was making my way through "The 7 Steps to Freedom in Christ." 


I'm codependent. On Trevor. And it hurts to realize this, because it means he's bigger than God in my heart. 


You deserve so much better than this Abba...


I finally pull myself out of bed and sit on the couch and lose myself online, bowl of cereal in lap. I can't think straight, I can't get out of this fog. I lay my head on the couch arm as my husband puts Jeremiah down for a nap.


He comes out, hand on my shoulder, speaks tender words, but I just push away. I always push away that which I need the most. 


He is only human, and cannot be blamed for not being God. Frustrated and mad, for he knows I am asking him to stay home from school in "my way," he gets up and starts preparing to leave for school. 


The rejection hurts. It stings and I wipe tears away fast, not wanting him to pity me, not wanting to show how deep he hurts me when he doesn't love me the way I need God to love me. I go and hide under the covers and the sobs come. Deep from within, from a place dark and haunted, a place that still doesn't believe she's loved and cared for. My heart is broken because I'm free and yet I still cling to him like he's going to save me. 


He comes quietly in the bedroom. Slips under the covers. Looks at me with big sad eyes. I know he doesn't want to stay, but in my mind he needs to, to make me feel loved and accepted. To fill that void inside that I am withholding from Him who fills all voids. And I know that eventually he will give in, and he will stay home and I won't feel any more loved than I did at the beginning of the day. 


How does this ugly cycle end? How do I separate myself from my husband in a healthy way? How does the sin and filth of codependency die, when it has been your constant way of life for years?



Comments

  1. I've actually been seeking wisdom in this exact area... often in marriages I think we make our spouses Idols to us. We go to them for comfort, security, and hope... then we'll look to God if we need more. But I see how God SO wants me to go to Him first and then see my husband as an added blessing in my life.

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  2. I learned in pre-marital counseling that marriage is having your eyes on Jesus and being filled with His love, and then your husband walks in and out of view every now and then, and his love is drops to make the love overflow even more...
    Thank you for your words and wisdom! I cherish them!

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