I feel the loss more now...

It’s just easier writing you. I know it’s silly and that you cannot possibly read this. But for some reason it’s easier to get out if I’m writing to you.

Remember when we used to write back and forth when I was in Middle School? Wow, how long ago that was… You would tell me of your love for Jesse and your pain at his being in prison. You would write about anything and everything that went on in your day, from the floor you swept and mopped to the casserole you had in the oven for dinner. I miss that.

My days are filled with crying babies and stressed out adults. Sometimes I just want to hide away and be by myself and not be needed. Not be held responsible. Is that how it got sometimes for you? Were you ever so frustrated that you just cried?

When you had Crystal and brought her home, all wrapped up and brand new, what were your feelings towards me? I was still a baby myself. The reason I ask…the reason I want to know…is because I was wondering if what I am feeling towards Jeremiah is normal?

It’s not that I don’t love him. I love my son with all of my heart. He’s my Jeremiah! But sometimes….sometimes I just don’t like him right now. Please don’t judge me. It’s hard enough living with the feelings myself. He whines and cries and throws fits all the time …sometimes it feels like too much.
Is this how you felt when you brought Crystal home to me? Was I always begging for attention and love, jealous of how much time you were giving to her? Were you patient and understanding, always ready with a kind word and a hug for me, even in my hardest moments? Or were you frustrated and irritable, ready to shut me in my room if I didn’t stop whining for no reason?

I feel so much closer to Judah already, because I’m nursing him and didn’t nurse Jeremiah. I really tried nursing Jeremiah…I really feel like it was impossible at the time. I don’t love Judah more, but I already feel closer to him through nursing. Is this normal? Am I a bad Mama?

Sometimes I get mad at you. You should have thought about this time, this moment I am in right now, before you took that last drink. I don’t just want a mom right now. I desperately need one. I’m trying to learn how to see God as my parent, but…I have my moments. Like now, when I am worried about my husband’s brain tumor growing back, worried about my 1 year old being loved enough, worried about loving one son more than the other. I just need someone to shake me and look me straight in the eyes and say, “Marybeth, get a hold of yourself. Don’t worry. You are a beautiful Mama who loves her sons more than even she knows. I’m proud of you.”  

Wherever you are, whether in Heaven singing praises to Jesus or the alternative…I just want you to know that I miss you more now than 8 years ago. I need you more now. You are loved and appreciated more now. I feel the loss more now. 


  1. Marybeth,

    I know we're "new friends" and all, but this post really spoke to me. I wrote one today about how I feel like I'm a "bad mom" sometimes, and reading this from you made me feel even more assured that I am not. And I must say, I don't believe you are at all either. I've only seen you interacting with your children once so far, but truthfully, I think you're a fantastic mom, so much better than many I've seen. And I think that Jeremiah, even if he doesn't understand now, will understand. Luckily, he has his wonderful daddy to be with him, too, and the two of you together can get through this feeling of instability or division of love that you might be going through, if that makes sense.

    Surely, nursing does make your bond with Judah feel more intimate. I have heard that before.

    I read the other pages on your site here (not all of the blog posts, this is the first one), and I must say, I am very touched by your story. I have my own, not like yours, but a story nonetheless, and it's amazing how God can mold and shape your life through the troubles you have encountered. I'm proud of you for allowing him to help you shape your life, because sometimes, especially going through crud, it's REALLY hard.

    None of this babble was probably helpful, but there it is, nonetheless.


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