Mama in training...
These past 3 1/2 weeks have been very trying for me. If you have read any recent posts, you know that I have been struggling with being a Mama of two boys close in age, one who was my first born and my baby up until a couple weeks ago.
I've taken the past couple of days to reflect and meditate on my position in life right now. I've really stepped back and asked myself, "What is going on here? What is happening? Why are you feeling this?" I've had long talks full of lots of tears and apologizing to my husband about everything going on. I finally believe I have come to a point where I understand a little better what has gone on and why.
I love Jeremiah. He is everything to me and holds a very special place in my heart. He is my first born, my darling son who's smile just takes my breath away. I carried him joyously for 9 very long months, and he was one of my anchors when life got so very scary in October 2009. He was my baby...
Was my baby. My only baby. I could pour hours and hours of attention into him and not blink an eye. He was everything I planned around during my hours at home with him. And then one day...it happened so fast...one day he wasn't my baby anymore. He was a big boy, a big brother, so very big...and I had this tiny little beautiful new baby who swept into my life and took me by storm.
I remember when Jeremiah was carried into my hospital room the day I gave birth to Judah. I remember being speechless, utterly speechless, at how big he was. He was more grown up then I remembered, and I had just seen him the day before. I couldn't cry, I didn't want to cry. I felt... separated from him, in a way. Like he was a stranger. Of course I held him and hugged him (or tried to, at least.) But it wasn't the same as before.
You could see it in his eyes. He was looking at me like, "Mama, why are you in that big bed? Why are you holding that baby? Why won't you hold me? I don't like this." It didn't help that he was being taken care of by someone else other than me, for a week, so he wasn't used to listening to me anymore. And that really frustrated me. Really, really frustrated me.
Because I don't have a Mom to go to and ask questions about being a Mom, I tend to go a little crazy anal in my Mothering. I think I overcompensate a tad bit; I don't want to do anything terribly wrong, so I set all these super high expectations for myself. And whining and screaming for no reason is not acceptable.
When we got home from the hospital, Jeremiah just whined. He wasn't used to us being home, and he wasn't used to being held accountable for what he did. He whined. And whined. And cried. ALL DAY LONG. From the moment we got home till the moment we put him in bed. I tried SO hard to be patient and loving. I tried SO hard to not get mad at Trevor for "babying" Jeremiah. I wasn't remembering that Jeremiah was used to being the only baby, and that his world just got turned completely upside down. I wasn't remembering any of that. All I was hearing was whining and crying and temper tantrums and seeing Jeremiah not coming to me when he got hurt and feeling like we were strangers...mother and son, strangers.
Through lots of prayer, lots and lots of prayer, daily giving up my anger and frustrations, I think I understand everything a little better. He's 14 months old. He's teething. He's a new big brother. I need to cut him some slack and just love the crap out of him, every minute of every day. I need to be consistent in my mothering and discipline.
He still runs to Daddy when he gets hurt. When Trevor and I show up to pick him up, he makes a huge ark to run around me and runs straight for Trevor. But I have to remember; I'm constantly holding Judah, feeding him, changing him, comforting him...Jeremiah needs Daddy so much right now. And Trevor is so good at giving him that love and attention he needs.
This is where we are at. And I'm finally okay with it. I like Jeremiah again, and I think I've grown up so much this past month since Judah has been born. Having two kids this close in age is so hard, but I do not, absolutely do not regret it. Just look at them....soon they will be best friends....