A Deep Dark Pit



     I've climbed this mountain before. Well, "climbed" is not the correct term. It's more like "army crawled my way through muck and mire" to get to the top. This never ending, dark, lonely mountain. The familiarity of it envelopes me and I lower my head. I hide my eyes. I withdraw my hand. 
     I'm not sure what I need. Everyone says the wrong things. "No one understands." Words are taken the wrong way. I know I don't need this: "Just push through the emotion and do it anyways." I want to get up and go, I want to get out and live...but the fog around my mind is like a 100lb weight, tethering me to the couch, making it impossible to begin. I want so desperately to be okay, to be able to do things others expect of me. But then another part of me, the part that has dealt with people that "expect" anything from me at all, whispers to my heart and gives me grace, when others won't.
     It's a lonely journey, depression. It's one others don't understand, unless they too have been gripped by it's dark clutches.
     I feel emotionless. I feel like a light has gone out somewhere. I feel numb. I feel unable to give my all. I feel...I don't feel, most of the time. When I do, I'm stressed and anxious. I fear judgment from those who "have it all together" (on the outside.)  Why am I so susceptible to this? But I know...and it disheartens me.
     He struggled with depression. He was lonely and in a dark place, trying to grasp at some semblance of light before giving in to the darkness. I'm not in the same place as him. Please hear me loud and clear, I am not in a deep dark major depression. I have been there before and I know this PPD is a lot different, only similar in some ways. But my dad...who could of blamed him for the depression he found himself in? I only know a few details, but they are enough for me to understand...understand but not justify.
     There are many debates going on about nurture/nature when it comes to certain characteristics or illnesses people have. Personally, I believe depression is from both. I believe that having parents who have had depression (especially if both suffered) gives you a slight predisposition to having it. And I also believe the atmosphere of your childhood (or current or past state of living) has something to do with it. Again, it's a personal opinion. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
     I cling to Him with everything I have inside of me, however much that is. I do not believe depression can be fought alone (in some cases.) Another personal opinion. God gave us brains, he gave us herbs in the forest that help with certain maladies. Just because technology has advanced and how those "remedies" look has changed doesn't mean it's a sin to seek help.
     I wish it were easier. I wish I didn't have seasonal depression along with post partum depression. I wish my brain worked right. I also wish for world peace, but wishing does nothing. Action does. You don't get anywhere just sitting on the couch, "wishing" for a better marriage or "wishing" for a slimmer body. Get up and take action already!
      I'm going to try, as hard as I can, doing whatever I can to fight it. Your prayers are appreciated and asked for.
     I just poured my heart out, and I thank you, if you have made it this far, for listening (reading) to me. The time you spent reading this is appreciated. As are your comments.





    

Comments

  1. Marybeth,

    You're right I don't think people understand unless they have been there! I hope you find the strength you need!

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  3. I am so sorry. And yes, I've been there. I will try and give you lots of words. Just know that I understand and that I am praying for you. May God reach down and comfort you and give you strength and hope.

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  4. You are so very right about this.. I hope you find the help and support that you need. Depression is not easy to deal with it takes a lot of faith, family,friends, and i strongly believe some medical intervention. You know i have definitely been there and am willing to talk if you need. Keep your chin up dear you will get through it. It takes time..took me almost 6months on meds to feel somewhat back to normal.

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  5. I hope that you can find help, and support, to get through this. It is a horrible road to be down. I don't know for certain if I've ever been "all the way down," but I've been around many who have, including my sister who still struggled. Don't feel ashamed for feeling this way, and if you need help, I know medical intervention isn't always the place we want to turn, but it often is a great starting point, at least to help you find the impetus to get up and get going on your own.

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  6. My heart and prayers go out to you. I've been down that road many times in every form. My words may not help; but "know" that in that darkness & that emptiness, you are not alone. "He" is there, closer than ever, in silence, in your darkness, but he is there with you. You will not feel "him", not in that darkness, but he is more present than you will ever imagine. Talk to him, ask "him" for his hand, for "his light" to illuminate you. When I feel like I'm headed that way, I ask "him" to lift me up and be my light. Big hugs. Praying for you.

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  7. Oh my...yes, this. I've been down this read too and it is hard, so hard...and so very lonely. The thing is, even if someone says, "I've had PPD too", it's still not the same, because every experience is different. The circumstances, the history, the genetics, the emotions...everything that makes it YOUR PPD story is what makes it so very lonely. Thank you for being brave enough to write these words here. Because even though it feels lonely, we are never really alone. There is One who knows all, sees all, understands all. He counts every one of your tears and one day He really will wipe them all away. Even almost two years since the darkness finally started to fade, it still hurts and I still grieve that time. And all the more I cling to Him and am so grateful for Grace.((hugs))

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