Free indeed

     I was nervous. It was the first Sunday back, and all I could picture was Judah screaming during the sermon and me nursing in front of embarrassed strangers. I was a ball of fear.
     During the first set of songs I was biting my tongue to keep from crying. "It's your first Sunday back, don't be a burden" the old familiar voice whispered into my heart. I was fighting a battle already, and I had only been there 10 minutes. 
     Our pastor stood up and introduced the new deacons and elders, then was telling us how we were going to take Communion. He said there would be prayer up front if you needed it. He says that every time we do Communion, but this week I knew I had to go. I needed prayer. As soon as I decided in my heart that I would go, the nervousness I had felt before turned into all out fear. I started shaking. My head started getting fuzzy. My legs were getting weak. I looked up into my husband's eyes and whispered, "I need to get prayer." 
      He nodded knowingly and got up and started walking to the Communion table. I sat there, stunned. Right now?! But he was already gone. I stood up to follow, then sat back down. Right now?! I stood up again and walked quickly behind him. I saw the area where they were offering prayer. I took the bread and dipped in into the juice, and started walking towards them. Then I kept walking. And I headed to my seat. I couldn't do it. I couldn't see anyone open to pray, and I was not about to stand there like a fool. 
     Trevor came back and asked me how it went. "There was no one open." He gave me a look like, "Marybeth, come on." I just looked down. He was right. I needed this. I needed this more then even I knew. But I couldn't do it. I was so afraid. "Marybeth, I see someone open. Go. You need to." He was saying this gently, lovingly, but I knew he was being firm. I pictured myself crying in his arms every day, I pictured myself begging him not to go to work or school, I pictured the filthy house because I had no motivation to do anything. He needed me to do this too. 
     I got up and started walking. I walked quickly. I could feel everyone's eyes following me as I made my way to the front of the congregation. It was like they knew all the secrets and were condemning me for the past two months. When I made it to the front I had a mild panic attack. I didn't know anyone, no one was praying for anyone, and there were no women. 
     I turned to leave, fighting back tears, then realized I was standing beside a woman. I didn't know if she was up there to pray, but I knew her, so I tapped her. Her hands were raised up in praise to God and as I tapped her, she put them around me. I instantly felt the safety and peace those that those arms that were raised in praise to the Almighty brought. 
      I whispered, "Will  you pray for me?" When she asked me for what, my mind went blank. What did I need prayer for? I mumbled, "Everything." But then it hit me. "I'm in a lot of darkness" I said firmly. I was still shaking uncontrollably, but I was up there. As she started praying someone else came up and put there hands on me, and I wept. I felt the loneliness of the past two months, I felt the exhaustion, the battle of it, the shame for the depression. As she was praying I felt a battle going on. Hope was fighting hopelessness. Courage was fighting fear. 
     The change didn't happen until about 3/4 of the way through their prayers. One second I was weeping and in bondage, the next a veil was lifted and I was healed. I instantly stopped crying and felt peace. It really did feel like a river. It rushed through me, strong and unyielding, wiping away the fear and depression. I hadn't realized how much bondage I was in until I was free. 
     I had that initial moment of being free, then I was exhausted. I felt different, but I was so tired. Not like, up all night with the baby tired. But my soul was tired. I tried telling Trevor what I felt, but I couldn't really focus on what I was saying. I was quiet and withdrawn the rest of the night.
     The next morning is when I really felt it. Perhaps it needed some time to sink in, perhaps my mind was in shock the night before. All I know is that when I woke up on Monday morning, I was whole. I was a new person. I felt even better then before I had Judah. But it wasn't just how I felt. My thoughts were clear, I knew Truth and I clung to it. I sought God, I played, I cleaned, I laughed...I engaged myself in life. 

     Praise be to God who is stronger then he who is in the world. A huge victory was won, and the Son has set me free. I am free indeed. 


  1. I cried. I actually cried when I read this. You are NEVER alone even when nobody is in the room you are NEVER alone. God is good, soooo good. I'm glad you received the prayer you desperately needed I thank God that woman was there to embrace you and give you what you needed. God bless you!


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