His eyes

My husband looks at me with those piercing blue eyes and my heart tightens. Those eyes...I have looked into those eyes for almost 6 years now. I've always loved them. They are bright blue with a gold ring around the center. And they are full of a gentle passion. They are full of life. 


He was 18 when he proposed to me in the tiny utility apartment where our 70 year old mentor lived. Those eyes looked up at me, filled with fear, hope and all the true love I have ever known from a man. I will never forget the excitement, the joy overflowing from his eyes when I said yes.


Walking out into the isle, arm in arm with my Grandpa Preston, I immediately searched for those eyes. He was already locked on me, eyes shining and full of a light I had never seen in them. As I walked closer his eyes radiated love and reassurance, and I felt beautiful and loved.


When the first pregnancy test was positive those eyes were scared. As each day passed they grew more and more confident, as I knew they would. His eyes were dancing as he talked to me about how much he wanted to be a good dad, and how excited he was to see his baby boy. 


When he woke up from brain surgery and whispered "I love you" through anesthesia and confusion, his eyes were the same bright pillars of love I had anchored myself to when I fell head over heels. I locked myself onto those eyes and thanked Jesus they were still full of life, that they were still looking at me with love.


I have never known a deeper pain, a deeper fear, then when my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I have never been lower. There were times when all I could do was hold him tighter than I ever had in my life, and weep into his chest, begging God to not take him. I was so terribly afraid of leaving him with eyes full of life and coming back and seeing those eyes...well, not full of life, to put it gently. 


With his MRI coming up, I've been trying to suppress the fears. It's not really working. I thought I had come to a point where I was okay with all of this. But apparently I'm still human. Go figure.


When he has a headache, I freak. I ask him a million times a day if he's okay. If he's nauseous, I double-freak, because nausea was a symptom after brain surgery they said could be there permanently. If he's tired, I get scared because I feel like if he doesn't have enough sleep, he can't handle stress as well, and stress causes brain tumors. It's exhausting. I feel crazy. 


I've recently admitted I have postpartum depression. I have a newborn, and 15 month old, and husband who has an MRI in 1 week to see if a brain tumor has grown back, and if it has, he has to have brain surgery again. I feel a little overwhelmed!!!  AHHHH!!!
 













Comments

  1. Trevor is a amazing man, your the not the only one that is afriad he might not be around forever. He was always there for me when we were kids, I pray for him often. i always know god has plain. life is very scary sometimes but i always try to not worry till the worse happens because other wise i might spend my whole life worring. i read a quote recently "regret over yesterday, Worries over tomorrow these twin thevies rob us of today"... I'm not really sure were i'm going with this quote but it inspried me to worry a little less maybe it can do the same for you.

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  2. Marybeth

    Thank you for following me at Create With Joy. I am following you back!

    I read BOTH of your blogs - ALL of them - from front to back. There are few stories that have moved me as much as yours and Trevor's. "God has a plan for your life and for Trevor's..." You have a gift and a powerful testimony...I encourage you to keep writing, to keep sharing and to continue to let the Lord use you both mightily for His purposes!

    Love & blessings
    Ramona
    http://create-with-joy.blogspot.com

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  3. I am praying for you and for Trevor. May God wrap His great arms of love around you both and surround you with His peace.

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