An Old Friend

    
For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you! 
Isaiah 41: 13


     It hasn't happened in quite a while. I have been able to focus on other things, safe things. But tonight, for a fleeting instant, it was there. That old familiar, ice-grip of a handicap; fear. I was just cooking a pot pie, minding my own business, when I suddenly had the urge to Google my husband's type of brain tumor. I did that once before in my life, a very long time ago, and I promised myself I would never do it again. 
     But there is still something inside of me, some dark place, that wants to see life-expectancy rates and read stories from others who have endured this type of hardship, and have lost. I want to see pictures of survivors and see pictures of families who lost. I want to read all I can about what the tumor does and why it happened. And I think I know why.
    I'm afraid of the unknown. Aren't you? There was a tumor in the middle of my husband's brain, and I didn't even really know what a tumor was until he had one. I heard a big word classifying it, and our neurosurgeon's words, "The best tumor to have, if you have one..." did not pacify my soul's hunger to know what I was up against. The same is for now. I want to know what I am up against. 
    But where does that leave room for faith...? I can look up all the statistics I very well please to, and see when she died or when he relapsed or when she had complications. I can look up statistics on Pylositic Astrocytoma, and read about reoccurring tendencies and what not. I can Google all of that till I'm a gray haired lady, which, I hope to God, isn't anytime soon. 
     But what I have to remind myself, is that I love and serve a God who is above statistics. He is above chances and above death rates. He is bigger than all of that. I have to remind myself that God is big and all-powerful. Every day. It's a struggle when my old friend, Fear, likes to take up residence in my heart. It's such a struggle when his scar is right there, staring me straight in the soul, daring me to remember, beckoning me to surrender to the fear.
     I want to know I have 70 more years with him. I want to know that every time he has a headache it isn't because his tumor has come back. I want to be able to promise my sons that they will have their Dada for many years to come. I want to know that he'll be here with me, and not leave me alone. 
    But that is where faith comes in...and faith is hard. I heard that song on the radio, where Thousand Foot Krutch sings, "Sometimes faith feels like doubt." It's true, ya know? It's so true.  I have to trust that God is in control, and what He has planned for me is His perfect will. That even in the gut-wrenching painful moments where all I can do is weep heart-broken tears, I serve a God who is ever-present, and who is above statistics and rates. 
     Fear may be my old friend, but God is my faithful Father, and He has me...and I am safe. 



Comments

  1. Faith IS hard. I was working on my Bible Study homework for today and got to thinking about that. It's especially hard when something "bad" happens, as you know, or when you're not sure you want to give everything to God and just let it up to Him. I find that VERY hard. I've never fully been able to do it, honestly.

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  2. Wow, wise words from a young mom! It is hard. But faith comes from remembering WHO your faith is in...

    "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or even imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen" Ephesians 3:20-21

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  3. Girl, I think I would do the same if I were in your shoes. I found myself nodding along with this post. I don't have a husband who has been through the battle yours has, but I deal with a lack of faith in so many areas on a daily basis. I think about my kids, and how healthy they are. I think about my own health. I think about friends who have family members withering away from unknown and hardly treatable diseases. One day they were fine, and the next...wow, they have some crazy thing attacking their immune systems.

    None of us are promised tomorrow, and that is where that sweet faith comes in. We trust. We know our God is sovereign, even if all the world were to crumble before our very eyes -- His plan for us is still perfect. I want to always have faith like that.

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  4. Faith and trust is hard when you are faced with things like this. And the enemy would that we would go searching for our own answers, so that he can bring fear and confusion. I cannot imagine having to have walked your road. But God is faithful. He is good. And He is continuing this journey with you. Your loving husband is in great hands!

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  5. It is so difficult to not let fear grip us. You are so right though...fear is the absence of trust in God. He is so much bigger than any circumstance we come across and He is the ultimate healer. I have already been so blessed by your blog! Can't wait to read more! Have a super weekend!

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