Answers

“Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.” Proverbs 20:22

     Funny thing about waiting…you have to wait. I am not a good waiter. I do fine if I know the wait is short. In line at the grocery store. 2 days until my scheduled C-Section. Those situations I can handle.
     It’s when the finish line is set obscurely before me, shrouded in darkness, that I start to lose my grip with whatever kind of reality I hold on to from day to day. Waiting for Trevor’s schedule to change so that our home life isn’t so helter-skelter. Waiting for a friend to come through and show me they really care. Waiting for my heart to heal.
     It’s when things get rough. When books are read and I can relate all too closely to the main character, who just so happens to be an abused prostitute. When big groups are staring me in the eyes and all I can do is look away and pretend I’m cleaning off a Kindle screen.  When husbands ask hard questions and sons look at you with the world in their eyes and sisters call you with the world on their backs and all you want to do is scream for God to come through. And you hear silence.
     Silence.
     And I inhale deeply the air, heavy and thick with anxious thoughts run wild. I beg, on my knees, and I weep, on my knees.
     “How much longer, Lord? How much longer must I suffer this? How much longer must I be whole but my heart not wholly there? I want to be healed. I want to be normal. I want to have friends and keep them and be a mature, functioning, adjusted member of society. You say to read my Bible, You say to come to You, You say to trust. But where are You?  This healing, this heart, it needs You.”
     The answer came. At first, it was all wrapped up in a cynical box and topped off with a rolling eyes bow.
     Wait. Just wait.
     No formula. No 7 step plan. No Aha! Moment. No healing.
     “Wait on the Lord, and He will save you.”
     And that is enough for me right now. 

Comments

  1. I'm so glad you wrote again, Marybeth. <3

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  2. I am glad you wrote again too :) I hate silence as well. It is the worse feeling for an aching heart. Wait on the Lord, is really the only thing to do. It's funny sometimes I find myself talking, talking, talking, and realize in order to build a solid relationship I need to listen and be patient. "Be still and know that I am God."

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  3. I love you.
    Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

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