2 Years

Every time Jeremiah’s birthday rolls around I get this feeling of apprehension in my heart. I’m faced with dates and memories that I don’t really want to remember. I know we are on the other side of it now, but it still seems like just yesterday…just yesterday he was holding me in the hallway of the hospital, holding me up so I wouldn’t fall to the floor in utter shock and grief. 

Just yesterday we were being told he had to have brain surgery. “Brain surgery?” I thought. Who do I know has to have brain surgery? Surely not the one nearest and dearest to me…

It hurts that every time Jeremiah has a birthday, my heart breaks. I know I have so much to be thankful for, I know Trevor is healed and all MRI’s have shown no return of the tumor…but it still hurts. It’s still so raw. I have Trevor's gigantic scar as a daily reminder of all we had to face 2 years ago and in the months following…his balance issues and the fact that if he doesn’t get adequate sleep, he gets really sick. His frustration and anger. It could be so much worse, and I praise God He spared us…but…I don’t think I have fully grieved what happened.

I haven’t really faced it. I’ve been so busy helping Trevor try to hold our ever growing family together, financially and emotionally, that I haven’t had time to really face what happened 2 years ago. I have barely cried from the morning of surgery until now…at least not about that situation. Sometimes it will hit me and I’ll tear up, but I push it down again, knowing I’ll deal with the immense pain and heartache at a more convenient time.

2 years…I can’t believe it’s been 2 years. And the neurosurgeon said the tumor is most likely to grow back within the first two years. And it hasn’t. I know that doesn’t mean we are “out of the woods,” so to say, but it eases the worry we’ll have to go through this all again, even if just a little bit.

Yes, I do worry his tumor will come back. I worry he’ll have to have brain surgery again, and I know he worries about it too. Worry is so debilitating. It crowds out peace. It sucks away calm. It destroys joy. And I’m so controlled by it. I don’t want to be a single Mommy. I don’t want to be a widow and lose my Trevor. But does what I want matter? Does it really?

Hard questions sometimes have simple answers. I know the answers to over half of my questions. But sometimes I don’t want to face the simplicity of it all. Sometimes it doesn’t feel good enough, like I deserve some grand reason, some intricate, exposed insight into my life.

I know sometime soon I have to get on my knees and face what happened…talk to God about it all, because it’s sitting in there, simmering on low, just bubbling away in silent turmoil. Someone can’t even talk about brain cancer or tumors without me panicking and thinking about Trevor dying. It has to be dealt with…but I’m afraid. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to really hurt. But I’m also afraid of losing more quality, peaceful years with Trevor because I’m constantly worrying he’s going to keel over and die. 

And that is why I must face it, head on, heart exposed, willing to break open that old wound again. For Trevor, for God, for my heart and my family.


Has there ever been anything in your life you have put off facing? Any grief that you put off going through until a better time? How did you end up realizing it was time...time to face it? What helped you through to the other side of healing?



"Bless the LORD, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies," 
(Psalms 103:1-4 NKJV) 

Comments

  1. Hi friend,
    Sometimes the heavy stuff in life never seems to get any lighter, does it? Sometimes it takes years to really deal with it too, I've found. I'm sorry that this is still a struggle...a really tough one and rightly so. We both know that God is one who comforts our fears and that is so good! Saying a prayer for you now!

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  2. I have to say I feel for you. I have very simulars fears with Kevin. I always keep them bottle up and I don't want to face them. I'm not sure how much I've talk to you and trevor about kevins back problems but they scare me. (he has damaged nerves in his neck and back. some days He can't feel his right side and he has migrains all the time...)I'm so afraid he will need surgery and never be the same. Its taken him 3 years to admit he just as scared as me and how much pain he has its just too much some days. I think we all have a fear of losing love ones. Kevin and I are still working through what he is going through. I think its a never ending process. If you every need someone to listen I would gladly be there for you. I will pray for you to find the strenght and courage to face the pain and work through the fear...I know I have yet too do it myself with full force..

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