A heart's secrets...

*This is a very real post about some things Jeremiah, my two year old, and I have been struggling through...it's so hard for me to push the publish button, knowing many will read my heart, open and bleeding on this page, but I do it to get it out there, and to reach out to anyone who may be going through this right now*

My heart aches. My soul cries. I feel so helpless, so alone in this fight. I struggle with emotions and thoughts no Mama should have. I go over and over again what could have started it, what could have contributed. And there is so much...

Trevor having brain surgery 1 week before he was born. 
Not being able to breast feed him, and letting Trevor bond with him while he recovered. 
Working full-time just to pay the bills because we lost our jobs 2 months after surgery.
Getting pregnant when he was 4 months old.
Struggling with PPD after his brother was born.

My heart is so broken for this little guy. He's just two, and all he needs is a tender word, and soft and gentle rebuke, a loving embrace. And I feel so...detached some days. The love is there. The care. But that special bond that was never given a chance to take root and grow; I grieve over.

So I pick up books I think will help and weep over how I see myself in the words, in the matter-of-fact way they lay out my heart's secrets and I put it down, not being able to bare to see my shortcomings so clearly. I feel like the worst mama out there, although I've heard many hearts adamantly disagree. Doesn't it only matter how I feel? Words cannot change the way I feel in my heart. 

I am grateful that I have become aware of just what is wrong. For so long I had no idea what happened, why I felt the way I did...and then I started to hear about other Mama's going through the same thing, and it started to make a little more sense. The more I prayed about it, the more I sought out wisdom on my mama-knees, the more I was made aware of exactly what was missing. 

Oh how I love him! How I love it when I tuck him in at night and he yawns and looks up at me with big blue eyes so sleepy and says, "Yes..." when I ask, "Should we pray now?" and then he whispers..."Kiss? Hawg?" And it's there, right then that my heart fills to bursting with a Mama's love and I wonder where my little baby went, the one I took home from the hospital, and how we were robbed of so much...it's not fair to him, to my mama's heart. The tears come fast and I am afraid no one will understand the struggle. The cry of my heart to connect with him and restore what was taken from us unknowingly, without our consent. 

But how do you get those lost years back? He will never be 2 months old and a sleepy little lump on my chest anymore. He will never be 10 months old and pudgy and rambunctious and wobbly again. He will never be 14 months old and just learning to walk...and I weep at how I overlooked each stage, so wrapped up in pain and outside things, and not knowing where we would be 2 years later, struggling to bond and love.

This is real and it hurts, both of us, and I don't know what else to do but pray, constantly, fervently, and seek out wisdom in His Word like it's the only thing that will keep me alive (and isn't it?) and maybe even start attachment parenting with him right now, when he's two? I don't have any answers, but I have hope, and hope can break down any door, hope can banish any depression, hope can restore any joy. And love. For I do love him, and love conquers all.

(Linking up with Racing Towards Joy today for her PictureLESS Post link up..just pouring out my heart and not worrying about finding the perfect picture to go along with it...) 
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Comments

  1. Beautiful friend. You may not be able to go back, but you can go forward with the Lord. The bond will come and possibly even more beautifully than 'what could have been' Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. I will continue to pray for you daily as I add you to my prayer list of friends. God knows your heart. He knows were you feel insufficient and He and only He can make you sufficient. Many blessings today.

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  2. wow friend. thanks so much for being so open and real. this was truly touching and powerful and I know it will be to other mamas too...even if you never know about it. I pray right now that you would find rest in the fact that God is a REDEMPTIVE God, and through His love for us, He can bridge any "gap" and make things NEW. Time doesnt matter to Him, He is the one that created it! Love to you girl...your little ones are blessed to have you as mama.

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  3. i'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have had struggles mostly with anxiety after my son was born but i know it doesn't compare to your story. but the one thing i know is we all make mistakes or want to change things in the past but we cant so we just need to focus on making the future better! you are in my thoughts & prayers!

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  4. What a hard thing for a mama to go through! It sounds like you're doing all the best though and working so hard at it. I hope your heart can heal soon.

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  5. Thanks for sharing friend! I cannot imagine this... my heart aches for you both, but God's heart aches too and He's there for you... He'll show you what to do. You know that! Much love to you friend!

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  6. Hi sweet friend..my email is shelleyswanson4@gmail.com. I just realized yesterday that there was some random email attached to my blog so I deleted it and forgot to add my actual email.

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  7. I know that this might not "help", but, here are my thoughts.

    Yes, the past two years may have been lacking for him. You might feel you "robbed him" of certain things, or that you weren't there for him as fully as you could be. Things of that nature.

    But, as someone told me when I was grieving so hard after the loss of Sprout that I felt I was the worst mother for Spencer, he's so young, he won't remember it anyway.

    Which is true. Yes, the things that have gone on in Jeremiah's life so far have shaped him to who he is. But, he's not a bad kid. Not even close. All children have little "quirks" that make them frustrating and make us want to pull our hair at out at times. But, I think that's natural.

    He won't remember that you didn't nurse him. He won't remember the PPD.

    So, that's a little gift from God.

    He's getting "older" (that sounds so silly), and, I think, if I recall, memories really stick with us from our 3-5 year old years. That's when a lot of people can recall their "first memory" (I think).

    Knowing why you feel the way you do, and what contributed to the "bad stuff" of the past only helps for the future, I think. And, I think you're a great mom. I think you'll continue to be a great mom. I believe that when Jeremiah is older, he'll look back, and remember, feel, and KNOW how much he was loved and cherished for who he is.

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  8. I get a closer look at this scene than anyone else and I can tell you that you are NOT failing. Failing would mean that you didn't care that things are the way they are. Failing would mean not learning how to love your children better everyday. You do care, you do pray and strive to love him more everyday. You love Jeremiah and he knows it. I have been praying, and God has already answered. I love you completely :)

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