Admission

Life lately has been full. So. very. full.


Full of...
Late night talks deep with vulnerable hearts and tear-stained pillows.
Days crazy with schedules that never stay the same.
Babies who are growing up so fast, and reaching Mamas trying to hold on to just one more second of what remains...
Decisions made that humble and bring us closer together. 



Jeremiah is 2 months shy of 2 1/2 and most days I feel as if he's on the verge of 4. Most days, if I'm not counting to ten, I'm trying so hard, so very very hard, not to lock myself in the bathroom away from his constant "No, it's not _____" insert anything I just said. All day.





Judah turns 15 months old tomorrow, and he's to that stage where he is realizing, "Oh, I have this sort of freedom to get into things, and even though Mommy looks upset that I just did that, it was pretty fun. Let's do it again!" And his babyness is vanishing. Quickly. I know I'll have another soon, but it still hurts...


Via


And I push myself. I push myself to get things done and I have this image of how clean the house should be and how often I should be on the floor playing with my kids and how I should make Trevor's lunch and be a super wifey. But you know what? Right now, I pretty much fail all of my expectations. And I haven't gotten to the point where it's ok. Even though I know in my head that it's ridiculous to have all these shoulds piled up high over my head, because I'm 1 week away from having my 3rd baby and my other two are 2 and 1 and no one really comes over...ever... so why push myself so hard?


There is this unrest in my soul if things are not in order. Even when I'm not nesting, I can't rest if things are out of order. I feel frantic, and this anxiety even seeps into my parenting, my wifehood, my friendships...call it OCD, call it crazy, call it perfectionism, call it whatever you like. It's exhausting


And I know it's wrong. I know it's not ok to constantly feel this need, to constantly strive, to have a perfect house, have perfect children, be a perfect wife, be a perfect friend, be a perfect child of God. Because it's impossible. But oh, how I try...


When I fail (which is a lot), at any of these things, I feel unworthy. As if having perfect children will make me more worthy of people's love, people's admiration, acceptance. As if being the perfect wife will make Trevor love me more. As if having a clean house will make me a holier person.


Where does this come from, may I ask? This drive to perfectionism, this should in our souls, whatever your should may be, that hangs over us like a big heavy storm cloud, waiting to drown us in guilt and shame if we make the slightest mistake? And how do we get rid of it? How do we banish this ugly beast from our souls?


Via
I'm not sure where it comes from. But...maybe...admit you are not perfect. Admit it's too hard. Admit you are not worthy of love. You are not strong enough. You will never be enough. Even thinking these things brings tears to my eyes...I try so hard to make myself worthy of the love I think I so desperately need. But the truth is....the glorious, painful truth, is that only Christ is enough. He is the only one who is worthy, He alone is omnipotent, omnipresentomniscient. I can't be. Christ inside of me is the only thing that makes me worthy. "You are my Lord: my goodness extends not to you;"

This doesn't just fix it for me. It's a daily struggle, one I will most likely struggle with for some time, this drive to perfection. But I'm also willing to admit it's not ok, and bring it to the cross day after day. You get to the point where you realize, that's really all you can do. I'm tired of trying so hard, for no reason at all, to be perfect, to please people who don't really care if my kids are shining examples, who love me no matter. Because, in reality, and I have to remember this...not one single person is perfect. And the people who demand perfectionism from you? (There have been several of those in my life...) they can take a hike. 

Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you up, no matter what.  

P.S.
I just added a new page on Facebook for this blog! I'm pretty excited about it. 

Comments

  1. Another great post! I am struggling with the same things right now. May God's truth be what fills our minds today!

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    1. Thank you Erin! Unfortunately, it's so easy to forget that God's Truth is what I need to be dwelling on, rather than all of these messages of "you need a perfect family/house/life." Thank you for the reminder...

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  2. This is fantastic. Especially ever since I got into blogging I've been comparing myself to the seemingly perfect moms of the web whose houses are images of organization & have their routine down to an art. I struggle with all my failings as a housekeeper and struggle to realize that God doesn't care about the state of my carpet/kitchen/bathroom, He cares about my heart. Great post, I'm totally there with you.

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    1. It's SO easy to get pulled into perfectionism thinking when all around the "blogosphere" are these women who seem to DO IT ALL. Their blogs are getting thousands of followers, their posts are always about DIY this and DIY that, and on and on...and I just KNOW it can't all be marshmallows and rainbows! It drives me crazy, because then I look at my blog/house/marriage and think...holy crap, how do they DO that?! But we have to remember, you are so right, God does NOT care if your sink has dishes in it or if your floor hasn't been swept in a week...He cares about our hearts and whether or not we finding our worth IN HIM and only in Him. Thank you for the reply! It's so good to know that others are right there with me, feeling this burden of perfectionism!

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  3. I love you, friend! I struggle with this too... sometimes I think thats why I'm in this depression. I want to say no, parenting isn't hard...dealing with a toddler isn't hard...marriage is never difficult...I'm so good at being a wife and always loving! BLAH!!!!!! I try so hard to put on this mask of perfection and I don't know why. Its a daily struggle for me as well especially when trying to open up to people! Know you're not alone and I love all of you!

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    1. It's so easy for failing at perfectionism to suck you into a depression. I think that is a lot of my problem with depression too! I never thought about it like that. But there definitely is a connection, now that I think about it. Thank you for relating and commenting! I love you Kass!

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  4. That feeling comes from wanting to find our worth in what we do and it simply can't be done. Rest in Jesus, friend. Rest in the fact that the we are because of Him. Simply that. You know, before Christ, the Jews were SO adament about the Sabbath being reserved. They were legalistic to the CORE. To the point that unless your friends ox was in a DITCH you were to do nothing. But then, Jesus came. Not only was He THE pure and spotless lamb, and THE high priest- He became THE Sabbath rest. Our rest. Every day! We can't do this thing (mothering, daughtering, wifing!) on our own, or through our own means. We're going to fail because we're human, but our worth is never, ever, ever wrapped up in our failure or success. I might feel really good right now because my kitchen is spotless for the moment, but that doesn't make me a better Mama than on the days when there are no more silverware or clean cups. We must daily find our rest in Him. It sounds so cliche, but it's so true. If He IS our rest, how can we not dwell with Him there?

    Sometimes you have to let go and just exist. There will be a day when we'll have more time than we know what to do with it. And our bathroom will sparkle. Our sink won't have any water spots. And we'll only have memories of today. :) {{hugs}}

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    1. Oh LeAnna, you hit the nail right on the head. We want to find our worth...and we think the easiest way to do that is through the law, and following it perfectly. The Law of Motherhood or Wifehood or blah blah. You are right, our ONLY worth is in Jesus! He and only He can be our rest, our worth. I always, ALWAYS have to remind myself that one day I will have SO much time to clean, to spend time making my house just so, and right now I have to just enjoy and BE with my family. They won't be little for long... *tear* Thank you sweet friend for your reply. It has touched my heart deeply!

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    2. LeAnna you always know what to say!!! Love it love it.

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    3. She so does! I love her comments!

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  5. I don't know when or how I've done it, but somehow, I have let things just... go... more lately than ever before. Yup, our house has toys scattered all over, and while most days I strive to get them cleaned up and the dishes done, days like today... not so much. Spencer is finally in bed after a mostly sleepless night and cruddy nap today, so I'm eating soup and that's my last plan. And it will just wait.

    I am glad you're not perfect. Because, seeing as how I know I'm not perfect, if you were, we probably wouldn't get along so well. ;-)

    I go through the wife and mother thing more than the friend thing, though. I try to just hope that my friends will take my quirks, my failures, and imperfections, and love me regardless. But for some reason, when it comes to being a mom and a wife (I almost said husband, haha) I am terrified to fail, to be not good enough, to be a letdown, and to then not be wanted anymore. It's ridiculous.

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