An apology. A prayer. A miracle.

I better write this down now, while I have a few {scarce seconds} of free time. 

My last entry has been hanging out in the back on my soul since I typed it out in a flurry of passion, my fingers flying as quickly as my mind was reeling. I needed to get that out. Needed to reach out and get all those swirling thoughts pinned down. But something has been nagging me, something has been whispering urgently since I typed it out. 

And I want to apologize to you. To all of you. From that deep place in my heart where I know I have wronged God, myself, you.

I gave the impression that God has somehow failed me. That I hadn't prayed hard enough for my depression to be banished. That I had read the living Word of God and it hadn't pierced through the blackness of my sickness. All of that is a lie straight from Hell. 

In my darkest days, when the veil was thick and I couldn't see light, couldn't hold hope, He was there. When I felt like giving up, running away, fleeing, He was there. He was always there. Just because the healing didn't happen miraculously, the moment I had prayed, does not mean God is any less sovereign. It does not mean He is any less capable of healing at the snap of a finger. He does. All the time. 


 “… It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; 
he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

I believe in the very deepest parts of my soul that God is good. That He is faithful. That He wants good for me all the days of my life. That He loves me and takes care of me. That He is my Abba, my Daddy who adores me. There is always healing. Always. I heard someone at my Church say, "God always wants you to be healed. Sometimes the healing happens on the other side of eternity." 

That's tough to hear. My dear, beautiful Grandmother is in the final stages right now...and my heart, my heart is breaking into a million pieces. For her. For my Grandpa. For my family who loves this lady fiercely. We know the end is coming. And I'm so far away, I feel so helpless. I had prayed and prayed for her healing at first. And just because she wasn't healed doesn't mean God is any less good. He has a plan. I'm not God. That doesn't mean I haven't been crying out to Him for her salvation, every moment, so that she can be fully healed on the other side of eternity, mind, body, soul.


 "When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles."
Psalms 34:17


Since starting on my antidepressant, I've wrestled with feelings of shame. Embarrassment. Feeling like an outsider. Like I'm "fake." But I hold tight to the TRUTH that sometimes God uses other means for healing. I was in my Church nursery working last Sunday, and saw Liz walk up the front walkway with her walker. She was in and out of the ICU from last July until this January, at one point on the brink of passing away. And God miraculously healed her one night when our Church got together and prayed hard for her healing. He healed her. That night. God is in the business of straight up miracles. 

Yet sometimes, those miracles don't come neatly packaged in a box stamped "a miracle everyone will recognize."


"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? 
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

Psalm 42:11


God is so much bigger than I could ever imagine. Bigger than any words I could ever write to try to express my meager opinions or passions. I'm no theologian. No Bible buff who has any authority. I'm still trying to figure all this out myself. Just know I am sorry if I gave the impression that God had failed me somehow. He didn't. He never will. Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, my God remains faithful. 


I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. 
In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; 
I have overcome the world. 
John 16:33



Apples of Gold

Comments

  1. Wow. I am in tears. I found your blog today through the Let's Be Real link-up, and have been reading through your testimony and past blog posts, and I am in tears. Thank you for sharing your story, for being real and honest. I honestly don't really know what else to say, but you have touched my heart deeply. xoxo

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    1. Andrea, thank you for your comment. it's always a deep blessing to know that God has touched someone through my story. xoxo

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  2. Hello Marybeth:)
    ... I've been here and there at your blog this evening. I paid close attention this post, the one before, and your testimony. I can't help but to mention that I admire your writing- so clear, honest, sincere and in love with Jesus. Some of things you've shared about mommy life has been quite humorous, ...isn't mommyhood the best 'job' in the world!
    And oh, the word depression, what shall we make of it? ...Thanks for sharing your struggles with this illness and how you cope. I hope that the pill the medicine continues to help you incline health wise.
    I too take medicine, have been now going on the 5th year.
    Any time you may have a free mmoment and would like to come on over to my blog I'd like to share the 'page' button where I wrote 'Christian Heroes, Depression, and Me'
    God Bless you!

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    1. Wow, I am so humbled and grateful for your words. You have blessed me tonight. I am excited to visit your blog and read your piece about Depression. Thank you so much for spending time with me through my blog! :) Blessings new friend

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  3. Love you girl. Just love you. ♥

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