He is my Lexapro.
I've taken myself off of Lexapro.
I haven't taken that little white pill in months.
I was nervous, so nervous to quit. I remembered how dark and bleak and endless my days were before it. I remembered how easily I succumbed to anxiety, hopelessness, fear.
But while the days ticked by, and the meds left my brain, I began to realize something. For the past 7 months or so, I've been numbed. I hardly cried. Trevor and I had zero arguments. Even little ones. Which is really unhealthy in a marriage. Really, it is. It's the making up part, the forgiving part, the understanding part, that strengthens you.
I remember knowing my heart was somewhere deep in there, and trying to pull it back up to the surface, to feel again, but it was stuck. When I began to feel again, it was as if I was reintroduced to myself.
"Marybeth....this is Marybeth. This is who you really are. Tears, anguish, pain, and all. Elation, jubilee, excitement, and all."
I'm a very extreme person. Not bi-polar extreme, at least not most of the time. But I express extreme emotion over everything. You tell me you cleaned your house after weeks of not feeling well, my eyes will light up and I will say something like, "That's so amazing! I bet that feels just great! Your house looks incredible!" I love laying it on thick, the love and joy and excitement for life I have, oozing out of my being towards you, hoping to excite some similiar response. Instead most of the time I get a nod of the head and a small smile. Which is fine. If everyone were like me, well, let's not even think about that scary alternate reality.
And coming off my meds, I realized I was so numb, for so long, that I had to readjust to emotion. I've been crying, on and off, for a few weeks straight now. I love it. I welcome it. I embrace it. I cried probably once in the past 7 months. I spent so long not crying growing up, because someone told me it was shameful and weak. And I guess I wasn't aware that taking Lexapro would not only block my anxiety and depression, but deep emotion as well. It would leave me dry and brittle, just like the words of that liar did all those years ago.
And I've been laughing, oh the laughter! Squealing and jumping up and down and twirling and crying happy tears too *like just now, thinking about the change* and I have felt joy again. The upside to having experienced depression, is that you take that joy, that elation, when it comes, and you ENJOY every single ounce of it for all it's worth. And let me tell you, it's worth 5 million times it's weight in chocolate. I love to dance and be goofy and act really dumb, which makes my husband laugh and he tells me he loves every time I do something like that. I missed that a lot.
My daily, hourly, minute by minute prayer, often accompanied by lots of tears, is, "Jesus, be my Laxapro. Be better than Lexapro." I've been off my meds for about 2 months now, and I can tell you, He is way better than Laxapro. If you are on an anti-depressant, I'm not saying you are wrong. This is my experience. But I know that what Lexapro stole from me was not worth it.
Winter is coming quickly, and I have no fear of the dark and bleak days, when the sun will not shine. It might be a struggle. There might be some long days. But I have never, ever felt closer to the Lord than when I am crying at His feet, begging Him to help me, begging Him to heal me. If Lexapro numbs my mind enough to where I don't realize I need Him, I will never touch it again. He is my everything. He is my source of all strength and hope. I may sound cooky to you. But I will become even more undiginified than this to show the world that God is able. He is able to heal and He is able to sustain even the weakest hearts. I haven't felt this free, this clear headed in a long time. Even before I had begun to take the med.
He is my Rock, He is my fortress, He is my shield, He is my Lexapro.
P.S. There will be some changes made to my lifestyle, which I feel greatly contributes to depression. Examples: daily vitamin, exercise, meditation, cutting out a majority of the junk food/processed foods/caffeine, journaling. You need to be an active part of your healing and health as well.