"I want off this ride this very second or so help me GOD!" and other such tidbits concerning life right now.


     Laying in bed tonight, fear gripped my heart. My mind was reeling with confusion and anxiety. It was a Monday from Hell, with Judah screaming and acting outrageously defiant and wayward. He, my second child, has the most tender heart, so loving and kind. And he can throw a fit and a punch better than most. My head was pounding as I lay there, silent tears streaming as my husband prayed over our boys. In my head I cried out, "God, help. Just, help. Miah with his defiance and me feeling like I'm always on him about something. Judah and his screaming and just plain not listening to me. Coco with his whining and fits. Joey not taking a bottle for me well, or nursing well. I'm coming apart at the seams of my soul." 

     
     Sunday our Church brought Supper for the Teen MOPS group here in Brandon. Me and a couple of women served and stayed for the meeting, and it was as if God Himself took me by the hand and led me there for a specific purpose. As the speaker began telling her story, I knew I was meant to be there. At one time, she had 3 kids 2 years old and under. No twins. Just like me. And she had postpartum depression and anxiety. Just like me. My mind flew back to when Miah, our oldest, hadn't even hit 2 1/2 yet, Judah our second wasn't even a year and a half, and Jericho, our 3rd was born. Those were dark days, full of screaming and yelling and tears and frustration and anxiety and fear. Anger and grief. And she gave me the hardest hug I've every gotten and looked me straight in the tear-filled eyes and said, "You can do it. There is hope. They will grow up, I promise."




     Sometimes when people hear the ages of my kids, 3 so close together and a 4th not far behind, they smile and say, "Oh, just like mine! I have a..." And they start to name off kids spaced 2 years apart, and I don't say anything, because how could they possibly know? How could they know how having kids 13 months apart is a galaxy-full of difference between having kids 24 months apart? And we did it twice? I have no regrets, none at all. But that doesn't mean I don't rock back and forth on my living room floor in the middle of the night, weeping and crying out to God for wisdom and just one more chance to be love, to be patience, to be kindness to these small people. I am at the end of my rope 78 times before noon, and please Lord, just tell me how to fix my babies. Just let me know how to make Judah stop screaming and how to make Miah know I love him beyond the moon, and to make Jericho understand responsibility. And to make Joseph eat well enough to sustain him and make him grow! It's enough to send anyone to their knees, and mine feel well beyond their years, and yet still the love and kindness and patience do not come quickly. 
     I've been so tired lately. I have 2 cups of coffee and a full night's rest, and still, I am exhausted by the middle of the afternoon. And I joke with friends about chocolate and food, and yet this vice has it's poisoned talons deep in my soul. I turn to food and sugar and junk and death. I give up one vice for another, and I just want to take a knife and cut that part out of my soul, that part that yearns for something other than Him, that desires something else to numb the stress and anxiety and fear. Because there is so much fear. And I haven't been standing on His truth, His promises, His Word, and I feel how death knocks at the door of this lifestyle. Waking up without Him, walking through the day without Him, going to bed with a nod in His direction. I feel as shriveled as a dried up apple core at the bottom of the garbage can. 
     Something has to change. I've been cutting out as many dyes and preservatives as I can. Trying to make healthy choices on a small budget. We're eating less but eating healthier. I'm buying healthier versions of laundry detergent and dish soaps. Adding probiotics and vitamins and oils and syrups. And still I am plagued with this discontent and anxiousness that something I'm doing, something I'm feeding them or not feeding them, is the source of all their problems and behavioral issues. It's driving me insane. I'm focusing on the wrong sustenance. The wrong bread. 



     And tonight, as I wept at His feet, not even able to pray with my husband because of the turmoil and anxiousness within, God stilled my heart. There were no words, no aha! moments, no divine words of wisdom, just quietness. And I don't know about you, but to this anxious and weary soul, it was balm, it was a refreshing spring, it was soothing ointment. Just quiet. A gentle, "I've got this," from my Abba. And I realized, God is the perfect parent. He is patient with me when I suck at life. He loves me when I am at my most unlovable. He is joy when I lose hope. He is gentle when I need it most. I am learning, albeit slowly, from Him, how to do this Mommy thing. And I will have to keep learning each day, for the rest of my life. There will never be a time when I don't need His wisdom and direction in regards to my children and how to Mother them and love them. At least I hope to the good Lord there isn't. And even though I feel so lost in this mothering thing, He has put people in my life that reflect His character as Father and Mother. I am surrounded by godly moms who love the Lord and teach me every single day what it is to be a loving and patient mama. Some days I just need someone to say, "Marybeth, you need to CHILL OUT sister!" 
     I am so incredibly blessed with my 4 boys, ages 4 and under. Every day is a roller coaster ride, complete with screams and thrills, close calls, and absolute excitement and fear. And puke. And tears. And someone yelling, "I WANT OFF THIS RIDE THIS VERY SECOND OR SO HELP ME GOD!" Every.Single.Day. And it's perfect. Absolutely messily, imperfectly perfect. 


Starting today, July 1st, I am going to be doing a 30 day sugar detox. I've already been off pop for 9 weeks now, and I feel amazing! But my body just needs more. So I'll be quitting all unnatural sugars for the month of July. I expect it to suck, to stink, to hurt. And I'm ready to be brave and kick my body back into gear. I just want to feel healthy, and have the energy to keep up with my babies! If you want to join me, I'll be Instagramming my journey with the hashtag #mbs30daysugardetox  Join me, and let's claim our days back! 
     

Comments

  1. This sounds so very similar to things I've been feeling lately. My boys are 21 months apart and Norah 19 after. Sometimes, it feels so much closer together. It's been a very trying few days (or uh... Year) here. I'm exhausted too. Not enough sleep in months. I'm praying my life starts... Well... Calming, a bit soon.

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    1. Every single child spacing has it's challenges and hardships, that's for sure! {{hugs}} friend

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