"I want off this ride this very second or so help me GOD!" and other such tidbits concerning life right now.
Laying in bed tonight, fear gripped my heart. My mind was reeling with confusion and anxiety. It was a Monday from Hell, with Judah screaming and acting outrageously defiant and wayward. He, my second child, has the most tender heart, so loving and kind. And he can throw a fit and a punch better than most. My head was pounding as I lay there, silent tears streaming as my husband prayed over our boys. In my head I cried out, "God, help. Just, help. Miah with his defiance and me feeling like I'm always on him about something. Judah and his screaming and just plain not listening to me. Coco with his whining and fits. Joey not taking a bottle for me well, or nursing well. I'm coming apart at the seams of my soul."
Sunday our Church brought Supper for the Teen MOPS group here in Brandon. Me and a couple of women served and stayed for the meeting, and it was as if God Himself took me by the hand and led me there for a specific purpose. As the speaker began telling her story, I knew I was meant to be there. At one time, she had 3 kids 2 years old and under. No twins. Just like me. And she had postpartum depression and anxiety. Just like me. My mind flew back to when Miah, our oldest, hadn't even hit 2 1/2 yet, Judah our second wasn't even a year and a half, and Jericho, our 3rd was born. Those were dark days, full of screaming and yelling and tears and frustration and anxiety and fear. Anger and grief. And she gave me the hardest hug I've every gotten and looked me straight in the tear-filled eyes and said, "You can do it. There is hope. They will grow up, I promise."
I've been so tired lately. I have 2 cups of coffee and a full night's rest, and still, I am exhausted by the middle of the afternoon. And I joke with friends about chocolate and food, and yet this vice has it's poisoned talons deep in my soul. I turn to food and sugar and junk and death. I give up one vice for another, and I just want to take a knife and cut that part out of my soul, that part that yearns for something other than Him, that desires something else to numb the stress and anxiety and fear. Because there is so much fear. And I haven't been standing on His truth, His promises, His Word, and I feel how death knocks at the door of this lifestyle. Waking up without Him, walking through the day without Him, going to bed with a nod in His direction. I feel as shriveled as a dried up apple core at the bottom of the garbage can.
Something has to change. I've been cutting out as many dyes and preservatives as I can. Trying to make healthy choices on a small budget. We're eating less but eating healthier. I'm buying healthier versions of laundry detergent and dish soaps. Adding probiotics and vitamins and oils and syrups. And still I am plagued with this discontent and anxiousness that something I'm doing, something I'm feeding them or not feeding them, is the source of all their problems and behavioral issues. It's driving me insane. I'm focusing on the wrong sustenance. The wrong bread.
I am so incredibly blessed with my 4 boys, ages 4 and under. Every day is a roller coaster ride, complete with screams and thrills, close calls, and absolute excitement and fear. And puke. And tears. And someone yelling, "I WANT OFF THIS RIDE THIS VERY SECOND OR SO HELP ME GOD!" Every.Single.Day. And it's perfect. Absolutely messily, imperfectly perfect.
Starting today, July 1st, I am going to be doing a 30 day sugar detox. I've already been off pop for 9 weeks now, and I feel amazing! But my body just needs more. So I'll be quitting all unnatural sugars for the month of July. I expect it to suck, to stink, to hurt. And I'm ready to be brave and kick my body back into gear. I just want to feel healthy, and have the energy to keep up with my babies! If you want to join me, I'll be Instagramming my journey with the hashtag #mbs30daysugardetox Join me, and let's claim our days back!