Slipping away

When I walk the dusty road and inhale the heavy smell of summer wild flowers and dirt and I hear the love songs of robins- I think of you. I see your face. So young, so hopeful. So precious to me my eyes sting with love. It's not the smells and the unadulterated scenery specifically- it's the feeling of it all. This refreshment. These wide open spaces in my heart. The deep breaths of my soul. That is you. That was you. You could make my heart feel things no one else could. You were joyful life. You were innocence bottled up and prized.
It was a slow, agonizing, heart-wrenching, grief-heavy path to your destruction. The fields have been burned down to the dry and brittle dirt. The birds have flown off, in search of greener sanctuary. The wind no longer caresses this land. There is death in these abandoned trees, there is sickness in the water.
I bring myself, I drag myself to the edge of you. I break open my heart and pour myself out, tears and life and blood and hope and love always more love. And it barely reaches the ground before its burned up and evaporated into the searing blood-red sky. I scream, I beg, I cry, I pray, I lie. All for you. All to save you. Save you from the self-fulfilling prophecy you spoke over your own life.
Do i walk away? My feet never could physically walk away. But my heart, this tiny flame of hope that refuses to be extinguished by the lies you throw and the selfishness that you cannot see through- my heart wants to snuff that tiny flame out and spit on it and grind it into the ground. I hate you. I hate what you do to yourself. I hate what you can't see you're doing to us. I hate what you're doing to her. I want to push away from the beach of your life- it's not a very big beach, and the tide is coming in. Do I drop my anchor and sit with you and take the beatings? Do I stare into your eyes and never look away, begging with every inch of who you know me as, please, please, PLEASE, for the love of God, see how much I love you. See how much we all love you. Love yourself even half as much and come back to us.
I look into the future and it's not as bright without you. The field has become a sinkhole. A rolling, rotting mass of death. But i can't leave. I can't leave you. Even your shadow. I sit vigil, hating you, not being able to leave you. 

Comments

  1. Praying for you, Love. I miss you. Reach out if you need me, and I hope we can be together soon.

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    1. Oh Nicole, thank you so much. I love you.

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    2. Thank you for sharing Marybeth. I definitely can relate to this. Keep your faith and know nothing good or bad lasts forever no matter how dim the light seems. I believe whole heartedly everything will work out. I pray daily and will continue to. God is good all the time. God Bless.

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    3. Thank you for the comment Ryan :) I believe it too.

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  2. Woman- I was in North Platte today & couldn't figure out how to get ahold of you!!!! I would've loved to see your beautiful soul. Miss you. We need to get reconnected. Oh & FYI I love God, design tattoos, look good with pink hair, and I f*cking love you too!!! I dunno when so many Christians decided to "appear" perfect because we are ALL sinners. Jesus Christ wasn't hanging out with those who showered perfection, he was here for us sinners, and he didn't judge the prostitutes & drunks...he made them feel comfortable & helped them heal & changed their lives. Our sins are a part of our story as is our beauty. We are people; disgusting, sexy, scared, angry, loving, ugly, beautiful people!! It's good to have a nice support system, but it's also important to have honesty. Brutal honesty. We live in a fallen world and those who think they are perfect all of the time gotta live & learn... But then again, I'm kind of an odd duck myself. So who knows. Maybe it has something to do with they we grew up... I dunno, I don't have the answers. I am not God, only a sinner. All I know is I am doing my best with the life God gave me, and He loves me for it. He created me with passion... Same way He created you. Anyways, message me sometime or get ahold of me somehow so we can catch up. Love you to pieces... Always will.

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